When you’re in a relationship, especially when you have kids, there are a lot of things that you and your partner have to work on and work together. You might be faced with many situations where you both reach a point of disagreement. Sometimes, things get heated up, words are thrown (maybe even tangible objects). In these situations, there may be many things that you feel like saying to your husband, most of which may be purely out of anger. Out of this wide variety of things that may be at the tip of your tongue, there are some that are best left unsaid, regardless of the magnitude of the anger.
“I don’t need your help”
Even if this is true and you don’t mean to be dismissive, this statement is often taken to be dismissive. It has a tendency to make a person feel unwanted, useless, and maybe even unappreciated. It may make your husband feel like you don’t need him or want him around and that you prefer doing something alone, rather than with him. Instead, try saying thank you or that you’ll ask if/when you need help but you appreciate the company or you’re grateful for the offer.
“Don’t mess it up”
When your husband has taken up some responsibility, whether it be housework, or taking the kids somewhere or taking care of the kids, avoid this cautionary phrase. Even if you mean well, it comes off as offensive and condescending. It may trigger tension between the two of you by triggering a feeling of inferiority or lack of trust due to the fact that your husband might feel like you think he is incompetent or incapable of performing or completing a certain task.
If you’ve just had a fight with each other or if you’re offended or upset by something that’s happened, whether his fault or not, the worst possible thing to say to your husband is “I’m fine.” especially when it’s blatantly a lie. Not only does it come across as you not trusting him, but it also effectively extinguishes any further attempts at fixing the situation. If your husband asks you what’s wrong, it means he senses the disturbance and he wants to fix it. Take that opportunity to address the issue rather than ignore it.
“If you really love me”
The worst thing to do in a conflict situation is to back someone into a corner from which they feel like they can’t escape. This statement does exactly that. It makes a person feel emotionally blackmailed and as though they have been backed into a corner with only one option. If that option is undesirable, it’s a natural tendency to get defensive and your husband may act or lash out in a negative way which might worsen the situation. Remember that marriage is a two-way street and about compromise. Backing the other person into a corner infringes upon this tenet of marriage.
“You should be more like…”
There’s nothing that can make a person feel more incompetent, useless, and shunned than being compared to someone else. Everyone can relate to this because, at some point or another in life, we've all been compared to another person. It makes a person feel like they aren't good enough. Remember that you married him and it's your duty to make this relationship successful, as much as it is his duty. If you think there is something he should be doing differently, why not try putting it across as a diplomatic suggestion rather than asking him to be like someone else.
“I told you so”
What could be worse than messing up or being wrong? Confirmation of the same by someone else. That’s exactly what “I told you so” does to people. Additionally, it may make your husband feel like he’s facing condescension from you, who may be the last person he expects it from. Respect is essential in a marriage and condescension does not fall in line with respect.
“Leave me alone”
This has quite a similar effect as “I’m fine.” in that by saying this you’re basically saying you don’t trust him to help you and you’re quashing all efforts of making the situation better. If you need space, there are better ways of asking for it. You could say you need some time to cool down and that after this time elapses, you both should talk it out. Saying “leave me alone” is one of the worst things to say in a marriage because if you can’t depend on each other, how successful can this marriage be?
Nobody who is worked up has ever calmed down by being told to calm down. If anything, it increases the frustration. If you’re having a fight or your husband is worked up about something, asking him to calm down will probably have the opposite effect. One of the reasons for this is that those words make a person feel like their reaction is unwarranted or not in proportion to the situation which might make them feel stupid. Another reason this phrase might fail in bringing out the intended response is due to the fact that it may make your husband feel as though you don’t understand where he’s coming from which may make him feel as though he doesn’t have your support or that he can’t rely on you.
“I wish I never married you”
No matter how bad the fight, these words are like an unspeakable curse. They must never be uttered for they will be unforgivable and have irreversible consequences. Even if this was said out of pure anger, it disrespects the relationship and will create an everlasting doubt in your husband’s mind about your love for him and the strength of the marriage. Any future fight will always lead to the triggering of this memory in your husband which may prevent healthy resolutions. In addition to this, it may spark negative emotions and tensions that are not easily gotten rid off.
Respect is something that makes a relationship strong. Without it, relationships are doomed to be failures, whether or not they persist. It is also exhibited when one takes into account the emotions and thoughts of others and respects these thoughts and emotions so as to prevent injury to the other. Avoiding these statements (amongst others) is one way of respecting your husband's emotions and thoughts.
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