Recovering from a miscarriage can be difficult for the father, kids and especially difficult for the mother. Every mother’s experience with a miscarriage is different and her feelings are different. The pain doesn’t necessarily depend on the time that the baby spent in the womb - every mother feels the pain of losing a child whether they had been in the womb for a week or a full 6-9 months.
If your wife had a miscarriage recently, or if they were forced to abort the child due to complications, there are a few things you can do to help your wife recover from it. Here are a few steps you can take:
1. The mourning period
Take time to mourn the loss of the child as respectfully as you can. Request the hospital to give you the body of the fetus so that you can have a proper burial service done. If the miscarriage happened early on, you could use a symbolic box. Discuss with your wife how and where she would like to have the burial service. Invite your wife’s closest friends and relatives for the burial ceremony.
2. Be affectionate
This is a time when your wife may feel like you don’t love her or think that she is incapable of bearing a child. This can make her feel upset even if you didn’t say anything to make her think that way. That’s why you should always remind her that you love her and that you will always be there for her. Reinforce this and state these facts every day so that she knows it. Express your love for her through gestures (a kiss on the forehead/holding her hand when she cries), but give her enough space so that she can think and heal from the pain.
3. Understanding her
Right now, both you and your wife are still struggling with the pain of losing the baby. This is why you ought to be there for each other. Your wife was physically carrying your child and so the pain of loss would be even more unbearable for her. She could directly feel the baby’s heartbeat inside her and now there is nothing. Try to understand this and be there for her.
4. Choose your words carefully
To a mother, the fetus is her baby. So instead of saying fetus, say baby or child. By not using the right words, you may make her feel worse or make her feel like her pain means nothing to you. Be careful about everything you say related to the baby.
5. Give her time
Being patient is the most important part of all. Few moms may recover from it sooner than others, but some moms will take a long while before they go back to being their usual fun selves. The time they take to recover is not dependent on how long they were pregnant - it cannot be calculated. Years from now, the memory of it all may still bring tears to her eyes.
6. Let the kids know
Since your wife may not be able to talk to the kids about it yet, you may have to be the one to break the news - talk to her about this first. You could even tell them about it together if she is alright with that. The kids might cry when you tell them their to-be sibling and playmate is no more but it is important to let them know so that they understand why mom and dad are sad too.